Volume 11- Issue 1

Worst Case Scenario Handbook

Berkeley Edition

September 1, 2001
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Failing Classes

  1. SLEEP WITH PROFESSOR. This may not help your grade. However, you will have a great story for Playboy.com’s On Campus section.
  2. BUY BOOKS. Actually owning class reading material may come in handy when trying to convince the GSI that you really were trying.
  3. SEE YOUR ADVISOR. Visit Campbell Hall, wait in line for an hour, fill out a form to see an advisor, make an appointment for next week, come back at appointed time, speak with advisor for 10 minutes, receive advice offered in steps 1 and 2.
  4. JOIN CAL FOOTBALL TEAM. Have grades changed retroactively. Touchdown!

Unable to Obtain Marijuana or Alcohol

  1. TURN AROUND. There will be weed and Coronas behind you.
  2. THANK THE BERKELEY WEED AND BEER FAIRY. She makes all this possible.

Reading the Daily Cal

  1. FLIP TO INSIDE BACK PAGE. Seek solace from journalistic travesty with the nationally syndicated mediocrity of “Dilbert.” Bemoan the fact that Scott Adams continues to coast on reader e-mails, bereft of any remaining original ideas.
  2. ATTEMPT CROSSWORD PUZZLE. Feel stupid.
  3. FLIP TO PAGE 3. If it is not Tuesday, skip to step 4.
  4. SELF-ADMINISTER EMERGENCY TRACHEOCTOMY. Plunge the shaft of a ballpoint pen into your windpipe. This will momentarily distract you from the newspaper.

You’ve Broken Your Back Diving (And Your Name is Katie)

  1. DO NOT TELL YOUR COACH YET. You wouldn’t want to lose your privileges as a freshman athlete right away.
  2. DO NOT TELL YOUR FRIENDS. They will only discuss it loudly at La Burrita in the vicinity of Squelch editors.
  3. LEARN TO WALK AGAIN. If you can dream it, you can do it.

Everyone Dead or Dying But You

  1. ESTABLISH WHY EVERYONE IS DEAD. Is the Berkeley hillside a glowing green crater? This would suggest someone sneezed during a particle accelerator experiment at the Lab. Are they suffering from claw wounds? This would indicate a pack of giant starving radioactive monkeys. Are your hands bloody? Maybe you killed them, you fucking murderous radioactive monkey.
  2. AVOID THE DEAD. They may turn into Resident Evil-style Zombie-monsters. God, that would be so cool. But only if you had a handgun or something.
  3. DO NOT DROP SPECTACLES OR EYEGLASSES! It would not be fair now that you have time enough to read. Time enough at last.