Summer Cinema Review

by T. Winston McCranahan, the man who creates devastatingly negative reviews by making awkward puns on movie titles

The dog days of summer brought America some films that were quite dog-like indeed. Or, should I say, Cats and Dog(s)-like! Ha! On with the reviews!

Pearl Harbor: With leaden acting, inept plotting, and a soul-crushing running time of 175 minutes, this picture certainly qualifies as a Pearl Har-bore!

American Pie 2: This lowbrow “comedy” would more accurately reflect my sentiments if it were titled, American Pie? Eeew!

Made: After seeing this “film,” my first thought was, “Made”? More like Made… to Capitalize on the Earlier Success of Swingers, and Poorly Made at That! Wait, Poorly Made is a lot more concise. OK, T. Winston says, Poorly Made.

Jurassic Park III: Rather than allow moviegoers to suffer through ninety minutes of ridiculous prehistoric hijinks, I feel there ought to be a warning label on the tickets, cautioning Unfantastic Schlock, Flee!

A.I.: When this particular film’s credits mercifully came up, I posited that, were someone to ask me if Steven Spielberg had created sentimental claptrap in the guise of social commentary, and I were a Canadian pirate, my response might well be, Eh, Aye! Ah, what a witty buccaneer you’d have been, T. Winston!

Brother: Takeshi Kitano re-envisions the Japanese yakuza as inner-city gangster in this thoughtful, existentialist action drama. Kitano writes, directs, edits, and stars in a film that touches on ethnicity, loyalty, and brotherhood. Cultures collide, bullets fly, and the audience is left breathless. Four and a half stars.

Planet of the Apes: If ever I meet the individual responsible for planning this deplorable bit of cinema, I do sincerely hope I have the presence of mind to say, “Why, (insert name), you certainly did a poor job of planning this picture. In fact, I would venture that you did not hardly Plan It (of the) Better Than An Ape(s) Would Have!

That concludes our summer reviews. I’m T. Winston McCranhan, and I’ll see you at the movies–but hopefully not at the (Scary) Movies (2)! Ha! Where do I come up with these?

T. Winston McCranahan is an assistant professor of Dramatic Arts at Diablo Valley College. His book of film criticism, _More Like, Shit-izen Kane! is still awaiting a publisher._