When Thomas Jefferson’s white descendants and black descendants live together in Monticello, be prepared for life, liberty, and the pursuit of wackiness! Coming this summer, on the WB!
SCENE 1
INT. COURTROOM
JUDGE : After reviewing both parties’ claims to the estate of Thomas Jefferson, I have to come to a decision.
RASHAD WILEY : Alright, Judge. Tell this peckerwood that I win, and let’s get on with it. The Hornets game is on in half an hour.
ORVILLE TITHERINGTON : Your Honor, can you do something about this impudent little… man. He’s been completely uncouth and out of control for the entire proceedings.
RASHAD: Hey! Don’t be callin’ me little, you toupee-wearin’ beanpole.
ORVILLE: Why you impudent ruffian!
(WILEY and TITHERINGTON scuffle. The JUDGE bangs the gavel)
JUDGE: Order in the court! Mr. Wiley, your behavior has been disgraceful this past week. (ORVILLE sticks his tongue out at RASHAD) And Mr. Titherington, you’ve been even worse! (RASHAD mocks ORVILLE) You’re lucky I don’t find both of you in contempt of court! Therefore, I order both of you to live together in Thomas Jefferson’s former home, Monticello, for one full year. After that year, I’ll review the case, and see if you two have learned to get along any better. Case dismissed!
(JUDGE exits)
(RASHAD and ORVILLE stare at one another, jaws wide open)
BAILIFF: I guess all men really are created equal.
The Wileys are TJ’s heirs
And now they’re going to get their shares
It won’t be reparations
Just luxury accommodations
Monticello!
The Titheringtons thought the home would be theirs
The judge’s ruling caught them unawares
Due to miscegenation
The home’s got integration
Monticello!
SCENE 2
EXT. UPSTAIRS BATHROOM
(RASHAD and ORVILLE arrive outisde the bathroom door simultaneously, clad in bathrobes, towels in hand)
ORVILLE: Out of the way, Wiley. I have a tee time at the club in 45 minutes.
RASHAD: Not so fast, Fuzzy Zoeller. I’ve got to meet the kids at the recreation center in half an hour. I’m sure those old white men at your club can wait.
ORVILLE: I beg your pardon! My country club is extremely diverse.
RASHAD: Oh, please. The only black man that’s ever played that golf course is Tiger Woods. Anyway, why don’t you just shower donwstairs?
ORVILLE: I assure you, my ancestors did not fight the Revolutionary War so that I’d have to shower in that mildewed, leaky shower stall.
RASHAD: (pause) Look. I ain’t even gonna go into what Sally Hemmings did, but you better believe I deserve a shower with water pressure just as much as you do. _
(BATHROOM DOOR opens. Neighbor CHANDRAKANT PATEL exits)_
PATEL: Oh, hello gentlemen. Sorry to occupy your restroom. I was making vegetable curry with young Trey in the kitchen. Feel free to try some.
(PATEL exits. ORVILLE and RASHAD step forward, and both notice the foul odor from the bathroom. Both immediately step back.)
ORVILLE: Wiley, please go ahead… consider it affirmative action.
RASHAD: There’s been some kind of action in that bathroom, but I wouldn’t call it affirmative. Race you downstairs!
(ORVILLE runs after RASHAD)
(FADE OUT)
