My Personal Fall TV Preview

Moving out on my own for the first time has opened up a whole new weird, wild world to me. My mommy isn’t here any longer to give me cookies and warm milk at night, the magic laundry fairies have all abandoned me, leaving me to contend with spin cycles and cute-but-oddly-frightening Snuggle Bear. Perhaps the hardest transi­tion I had to make this semester was giving up an old friend�someone I had grown up with, laughed with, cried with, and yes, even loved. Of course I’m talking about TV.

Yes, my good friend TV has no place in my current residence, a Christian sorority that shall remain unnamed. Not because I want to be ostracized or anything (it hap­pens all the time� a non-Christian, anti-Greek living in a Christian sorority house, right?), but mainly because I don’t know the name. It’s a whole bunch of so-called “letters” but they all look like triangles and junk. At any rate, these “Christians” have no such thing as cable, and are always hold­ing some sort of sing-a-long in the TV room. Horribly enough, they have barred me from watching my beloved tube during these fre­quent metaphysical rites. What makes this even more barbaric is that this is the prime time for TV�the new fall season!! Even when I mute the commercials, they still won’t let me stay. After weeks of being taunted by that evil temptress, the TV Guide Fall Pre­view Issue, I’ve decided that it is time for me to start making up my own TV shows. Here is a preview of some programs you ‘re likely never see on any of the big three, semi-sta­tion Fox, or “God Help Me, How Have I Failed” UPN or WB.

Me and the Hunks  

Starring: Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell – you know you watch it), David Hasselhoff, Antonio Sabato, Jr., and Fabio Premise: A family of stripping Chippendales dancers adopt a young incom­petent nerd (Diamond) in order to make him into a young, virile stripper to carry on the family business, Starring David Hasselhoff as the older and wiser father stripper of the family, it’s sure to be a hit with the ladies!!
Sample Dialogue: “Dad, Fabio and the other guy are always making fun of me. I’ll never be as good at stripping as they are.” “Son, will and drive can make up for a lot of inadequate stripping, except for gen­eral good looks and all-over studliness. But, if you just strip the very best you can, maybe you can make us not as ashamed of you.” “Really Dad? Thanks! I love you!” “Good, now stop hugging me. You’re rubbing off my grease.”
Summary: Family situations, sidesplit­ting comedy and stripping – what more could you ask for?

To Rick Starr, With Love
Starring: Rick Starr Premise: Dangerous Minds meets Fame. Local boy Rick Starr makes good with this dynamic, can’t miss drama. Starr starts his own outreach group to combat 209 by any means necessary, and recruits young, troubled, futureless minorities into singing with him on Lower Sproul.
Sample Dialogue: “Mr. Starr, I just don’t think I can make it out of this gang life. I wish I had realized sooner that all I want to do is sing!” “That’s nice kid. You’re beautiful. Look at me!!! How about some money?”
Summary: Everyone in the nation will discover what we’ve known in Berkeley for years�It’s Rick’s world. We’re just ten­ants.

Rock and Roll Family Feud
Premise: Music groups get together and duke it out, feud-style! Watch John Tesh and Connie Selleca kick Yanni and Linda Evans’ respective butts! Watch as Hanson and the Spice Girls confuse and amuse by responding “mmm-bop” and “zig-a-zig-aaahhhh!” to every question. Sample Dialogue: “Good answer.”
Extra Bonus: Aerosmith and the Roll­ing Stones compete during “You’re-Not-Fooling-Anyone- You’re-Old-And-Scary- So-Stop-Wearing-Leather-Pants- Week.”