The Squelch Video Guide

Now that your Valentine’s Day date has already dumped you, you’re going to be spending a lot of long nights alone. Why not alleviate that boredom with a trip to the video store? Here are some lesser known films that are sure to be audience pleasers:

Holy Revenge
Steven Seagal stars as Herschel, a former special forces operative and long lost brother of Jesus Christ. Hell hath no fury like a Seagal scorned! See him exact revenge on the Romans who murdered his brother. Includes prodigious neck snapping, and co-stars Ian Ziering as Pontius Pilate.

Murder from Behind
Gallagher, in his first feature film role, stars as a police proctologist under siege from those traditionalists who still doubt the connection between proctology and criminology. All that changes, however, when prostitutes begin mysteriously dying of dysentery.

The Scum Also Rises
Loosely based on the Hemingway novel of a similar name, this nail-biter portrays in frightening detail a deadly sewage leak that threatens New York City. With Kurt Russell as a fearless sanitation worker and Jim Carrey as an obnoxious, unfunny, overrated comedian.

The Karate Kid, Part 5
Mr. Miagi (Pat Morita) has a stroke, and the teenager he was supposed to help (Scott Baio) gets his ass kicked by local bullies.

Fatal Intent
Steve Wyatt (Sean Penn) is a part-time lawyer, part-time psychiatrist who gets involved with a woman who is a client and a patient who may or may not have killed her husband who was sleeping with Wyatt’s wife who is a cop who has a habit of getting involved with suspects and who enjoys getting tied up with bungee cord and being covered with molasses. Co-starring Brad Pitt as the rookie cop who is doomed to die from the beginning of the film.

The Triumph and the Rotting
A touching civil war drama about the budding romance between a Union nurse and a Confederate soldier who is gradually losing all of his limbs to gangrene. With Charlton Heston as General Grant and Shaquille O’Neal as himself.

Speed II
If you’ve already seen Speed, what do you do? See this dynamic sequel. Dennis Hopper rises from the dead and manages to catch Jack (Keanu Reeves) and Annie (Sandra Bullock) in the middle of intercourse. He rigs a bomb to their condom, and sets it to explode if they stop or if Jack orgasms. Co-starring Rutger Hauer and Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

And For The Children: The Adventures of Cujo

The latest Disney animated musical tells the timeless story of a lovable, frothing St.Bernard who wanders around a small town, singing songs and maiming people. With the voices of Anthony Hopkins as Cujo and Dom DeLuise as the tap-dancing veterinarian.

Life Sucks, Then You Die, Charlie Brown
In the most recent full length animated Peanuts feature, Charlie Brown gives Rogaine a try after failing at his fourth suicide attempt, and Snoopy gets bitten by Cujo. Schroeder has all of his fingers broken by a vengeful loanshark, and Linus reveals his homosexuality, only to be shunned by the rest of the gang.