Love My Way

or How to Seduce Someone without Really Trying

Being the seducer rather than the seducee is a hard transition to make. And if you’re at the food-wine-soft-candlelight-Barry-White-album- lock-your-roommate-out stage, then you basically need no help. Like the poisonous black mamba snake, you’ve learned how to lure your unsuspecting meal to your lair (if there are any zoologists reading, please forgive me for my lack of basic knowledge about reptiles). Occasionally, though, more aggressive action is required. Lacking hard experience on how to seduce someone (I come from the “If they stalk you long enough, they win a date” school of thought) I turned to other sources for advice.

Cosmopolitan, always a trustworthy advisor on male/female realtionships, says:

  • While at dinner with someone, spill a glass of water or wine down the front of your shirt. Whether or not this is seductive is debatable, but at least you now have an excuse to touch your own breasts in the guise of wiping off excess liquid.
  • Cosmo also suggests that a sure-fire seduction technique is to stare at someone’s crotch, then look deeply into their eyes, then stare back at their crotch, etc., repeat until arousal is achieved or the police are called. Someone actually used this technique on me once, and I’m afraid the only effect had was to remind me that it had been a while since my last visit to the ob-gyn.
  • Another hot tip: don’t wear any underwear, then tell your love- object this while crossing and uncrossing your legs. This is also known as the Sharon-Stone-Kleig-Light-Up-the-Crotch technique; hell, if it can launch a mediocre actress into a full-fledged movie star,then it can probably catch some pathetic schmuck who hasn’t been laid since Drew Barrymore was innocent.
  • Finally, ask your objet d’amor if he’s ever been a model. As Cosmo writes so sagely, “This works especially well if the man is unattractive.” It’s good to know the women’s movement has progressed so far that the same idiotic techniques once assumed to work on women can now be applied to men.
    Tips from my mother:
    Seduction is for whores and trollops; wait until after graduate school, then date a nice doctor and withold sex until he promises to marry you and get you a maid. Of course, my mother also thinks that Doris Day- Rock Hudson movies are documentaries. (Mom, Rock was gay.)
    From my sister:
    She prefers a more subtle touch; her favorite line is, “Your balls would look good on my chin.” However, my sister really should not be trusted as she has had more intimate relationships with the mold in her refrigerator than with live human beings.
    From my gynecologist:
    Tell your prospective mate about your fondness for stirrups and/or that you scored in the top five percentile on your Pap smear. If by some sick turn of events, you find yourself attracted to a loner type, positively, absolutely, make a point of letting him know that your doctor often quotes Bob Dylan in reference to you: “she makes love just like a woman/but she breaks just like a little girl.”
    Or as my fellow editor Mr. Thomas earnestly suggests:
    Mention ‘blowjob’ in casual conversation and you’ll have a guaranteed admirer for at least two weeks.
    Finally, from my Women’s Studies Professor:
    You get an ‘F.’

In the end, I halted my compilation of seduction techniques for 3 reasons: 1) it’s dishonest to set out in a relationship with only sex in mind 2) anyone seduced by these maneuvers is an easy lay and his dick has probably seen more tunnels than an Amtrak train and 3) everything I touch turns to gay anyways, so who gives a damn? So to all of you from all of us, Happy Hunting.