Ask Buffy

Buffy is not a licensed therapist, but she is a psychology major and a member of UC Berkeley’s Chi Omega Sorority. She also likes teddy bears.

Dear Buffy,
During my time in college I have been sexually active with a number of men. Now I am preparing to spend junior year in France, and I am wondering if I should get tested before I go. Am I just being silly?


Dear Worried,,br> When you say a number of men, do you mean like over ten? You go girl! Wait, one of them wasn’t named Todd, was he? The tall guy from Chi Psi? Oh God, I hope not. Now I probably have to get tested too. Thanks a lot. Bitch.

Dear Buffy,
I am a freshman living in the dorms, and I’m totally in love with the guy down the hall. What is the best way to impress him without making him think I’m easy?

In Love.

Dear In Love,
I remember my first crush. It was my mummy’s third husband. He was sooo fine. I totally wanted to jump him, and I was like only 16. So one day I climbed in the shower with him and threatened to tell mummy he had raped me unless he bought me a new BMW. And that’s how I got my wheels!

Dear Buffy,
I used to want to be in a fraternity, but I depledged because I was forced to degrade myself with the use of a banana during rush. But now that I’m out, I like, don’t feel as cool as I used to. What’s wrong with me? Am I just insecure?


Dear Unsure,
No, you’re not insecure. You’re right to not feel cool anymore. Once we had an “ethnic theme night” at the house, and so Carla made fortune cookies so our Oriental sister wouldn’t feel left out, and like my fortune said “If you’re not Greek then you’re forever a geek.” I think that says it all — you should follow your insecurities and repledge. Especially if you’re fine. Bye!