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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch

Top Ten Musical Murderers

  1. Marvin Gaye’s Dad
  2. Thin Lizzie Borden
  3. Mumford and Son of Sam
  4. Ted Blondie
  5. Bind Torture Skrillex
  6. The Unabowie
  7. The Green Day River Killer
  8. Boston, the Strangler
  9. Charles Hanson
  10. John Wayne Macy Gray

Top Ten Funnest Ways to Die

  1. Mercilessly beaten to death during karaoke
  2. Mainlining too many Pixie Stix
  3. Crushed in structural collapse of bounce house
  4. Nerf war escalation
  5. Heart attack after eating McDonald’s for forty years
  6. Falling out of an upside-down roller coaster
  7. Eaten alive by puppies
  8. Drowning in a ball pit
  9. Suffocating under a pile of naked ladies
  10. Run over by a clown car

Top Ten Totalitarian Children’s Books

  1. Curious George Disappears After Asking Too Many Questions
  2. Redistribution of Treasure Island
  3. The Big Friendly Gulag
  4. Goodnight, Coup
  5. Alice’s Adventures in the Rhineland
  6. The True Story of the Three Capitalist Pigs
  7. Cloudy With a Chance of Rations
  8. Our Glorious Leader is the Giving Tree
  9. Democracy is Where the Wild Things Are
  10. Everyone Must Poop

Top Ten Cinematic Atrocities

  1. The Help
  2. Darfur the Love of the Game
  3. Bataan Death March of the Penguins
  4. Armenian Pie
  5. Love Don’t Holocaust a Thing
  6. The Nanking and I
  7. Horrible Bosnias
  8. Wallace and Pogrommet: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit
  9. Moulin Khmer Rouge
  10. A Fish Called Rwanda

Eldritch Abomination Emerges From Local Vagina

Blood rained from the sky Monday morning in Chapman, MI, as a thousand-tentacled affront to nature ripped through an inter-dimensional portal in local resident Brittany Goldman’s vagina.

“At first I thought I was just getting my period early,” said Goldman, a secretary at Chapman Hometown Realty. “The cramps, the breakouts, the constant urge to devour human flesh– y’know, period stuff. But when I heard the screams of unborn children coming out from my lady-parts, I started to worry I might be pregnant.”

The ocean of clotted blood that soon spilled from between her thighs brought with it Ag-Soth’n, a mind-devouring god of destruction with more mouths than any human mind can comprehend. Local businesses took a hit, as much of the workforce was busy vomiting up piles of festering maggots and clawing the flesh from their faces with their own bleeding fingers.

Upon seeing a co-worker’s intestinal tract spewing from the orifices of his face, one local citizen quipped that it “looks like someone had a case of the Mondays,” before releasing a throat rupturing scream and gouging her eyes out of their very sockets.

“When I noticed the sun turning black I was worried we were in for a bit of nasty weather,” said Chapman resident Robert King, “but when I saw the Elder One unfurl its bile-soaked wings and disappear into a jagged hole in the sky I knew we were in for something quite a bit different. Ag chlon ex’ptheth, ziggach op pth’ahnth. THE AWAKENING IS COME.”

“I’m just glad I wasn’t pregnant,” Goldman said, blood and pus oozing from her every pore._ “U’gan fyra durgoth quor._ I really couldn’t handle a kid right now. Not with the economy the way it is. Grshn’tack etena echfrum.

Goldman’s head then changed into a mass of writhing tongues.

Top Ten Easiest DeCals

  1. How to Enroll in this DeCal
  2. Where France is
  3. HOW LOUD AM I
  4. Garfield: Which one’s the cat?
  5. Hot or Cold?
  6. An intellectual history of Sublime
  7. Styrofoam Lifting
  8. The Presidency of William Henry Harrison
  9. Angering Bees
  10. Identifying Colors