Latest Issue
Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy

Top Ten Dog Pickup Lines

  1. I just threw up! Wanna see?
  2. [furious panting]
  3. You make me wish I hadn’t been neutered.
  4. Do I smell dog feces and urine on you? Because you’ve been rolling around in my mind all day.
  5. What’s your sign? Mine’s “beware of dog.”
  6. Are you my master’s leg? Cause I want to hump you vigorously for 45 seconds.
  7. Ay baby, wanna help me bury my bone?
  8. Who’s a good doggie?! Who’s a good doggie?! Guess what. It’s you, girl.
  9. Girl, you put the “wow” in “bow wow!”
  10. I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I ordered the hot dog.

Top Ten Cinematic Atrocities

  1. The Help
  2. Darfur the Love of the Game
  3. Bataan Death March of the Penguins
  4. Armenian Pie
  5. Love Don’t Holocaust a Thing
  6. The Nanking and I
  7. Horrible Bosnias
  8. Wallace and Pogrommet: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit
  9. Moulin Khmer Rouge
  10. A Fish Called Rwanda

Top Ten Easiest DeCals

  1. How to Enroll in this DeCal
  2. Where France is
  3. HOW LOUD AM I
  4. Garfield: Which one’s the cat?
  5. Hot or Cold?
  6. An intellectual history of Sublime
  7. Styrofoam Lifting
  8. The Presidency of William Henry Harrison
  9. Angering Bees
  10. Identifying Colors

Eldritch Abomination Emerges From Local Vagina

Blood rained from the sky Monday morning in Chapman, MI, as a thousand-tentacled affront to nature ripped through an inter-dimensional portal in local resident Brittany Goldman’s vagina.

“At first I thought I was just getting my period early,” said Goldman, a secretary at Chapman Hometown Realty. “The cramps, the breakouts, the constant urge to devour human flesh– y’know, period stuff. But when I heard the screams of unborn children coming out from my lady-parts, I started to worry I might be pregnant.”

The ocean of clotted blood that soon spilled from between her thighs brought with it Ag-Soth’n, a mind-devouring god of destruction with more mouths than any human mind can comprehend. Local businesses took a hit, as much of the workforce was busy vomiting up piles of festering maggots and clawing the flesh from their faces with their own bleeding fingers.

Upon seeing a co-worker’s intestinal tract spewing from the orifices of his face, one local citizen quipped that it “looks like someone had a case of the Mondays,” before releasing a throat rupturing scream and gouging her eyes out of their very sockets.

“When I noticed the sun turning black I was worried we were in for a bit of nasty weather,” said Chapman resident Robert King, “but when I saw the Elder One unfurl its bile-soaked wings and disappear into a jagged hole in the sky I knew we were in for something quite a bit different. Ag chlon ex’ptheth, ziggach op pth’ahnth. THE AWAKENING IS COME.”

“I’m just glad I wasn’t pregnant,” Goldman said, blood and pus oozing from her every pore._ “U’gan fyra durgoth quor._ I really couldn’t handle a kid right now. Not with the economy the way it is. Grshn’tack etena echfrum.

Goldman’s head then changed into a mass of writhing tongues.