Dear Squelch,
What the fuck is with you dorks?!? Why do you keep writing shit about my house, Sig-Phi-Ep? You better watch out or one of these days we’re gonna have to get wasted and kick your puny little asses!!!
-Fat, Drunk, and Stupid
Dear Fat, Drunk, and Stupid,
Why does the Squelch incessantly feature articles about your fine organization? We’re not quite sure. Maybe it’s because your week-to-week antics offer our staff such an endless source of good material: multiple forms of assault, repeated vandalism, false fire alarms, bestiality, and most recently, kidnapping. These things are actually all very funny when we’re not the ones getting arrested.
-Squelch
Dear Squelch,
I was wondering if you could clear up an argument that I am having with one of my sisters regarding last issue’s, “Top Two Little Kid Saying.” I claim that it was, in fact, Thomas Edison who invented electricity, and President Franklin didn’t even use it until a hundred years later. My sister says that this is impossible since Ben Franklin came over with the pilgrims while Thomas Edison wasn’t around until the Civil War. Can you help us figure out who’s right? Thanks.
-Nancy Eisenfaust, Kappa Kappa Lambda
Dear Squelch,
LEAVE US THE HELL ALONE!!!
-Barry Kurtz
Letter to the Editor,
Q
-Big Bird
Yo Squelch Peeps,
Here are the freshest new words on the street by your truly, Master Lobi-Wan.
The first new word is “shizmet” – Use it instead of “shit” because sometimes you need that extra syllable and “sheeeeyit” just won’t suffice.
When something is both phat and a motherfucker, you call it “mofat”. What are the advantages to using “mofat”? Well, say you want to use phat motherfucker as an adjective, as in “phat motherfucker burrito.” That’s just bad grammar. Of course you could say, “motherfucking phat burrito,” but then you’re heading into possible confusion. Is the burrito currently fucking your mother? Maybe, but when what you really want to say is that this burrito has both the qualities of phatness and a motherfucker (not necessarily someone who has fucked your mother, but rather someone who would fuck your mother), “mofat burrito” is really the only way to go.
The last word on the street is actually a phrase – “Qu’est-ce quefuck?!” What’s wrong with “What the fuck?!” Nothing, but if you want to impress your French and French-Canadians homies, you’ll say, “Quebec’s raising shizmet about seceding? Qu’est-ce que fuck?!”
Your Mofat Pal, Master Lobi-Wan
Dear Editor,
I have noticed that in your magaine you often expose your readers to the sexually transmitted disease gonorrhea. While gonorrhea is a fine disease annd something anyone would be proud to have, I believe in continuing the spirit of diversity at UC Berkeley, you should include an underrepresented minority STD. I suggest SLERPES (pronounced “slur-pees”), a little-known form of herpes that is nevertheless quite qualified. SLERPES combines the legendary jumping skills and agonizing bayonet bite of the well-bred, noble Sorority Super Crabs (also commonly known as Delta Gamma Code Red Penis Impalers) and the primitive festering pus-reservoir producing power of Pacific Island Pus Beasts. It’s high time we celebrated diversity: why not start in our pants?
-Gus, midnight shift clerk at 7-11
