Hey there boys and girls, my name is Dick. My sister Jane and I used to be innocent freshmen just like you until we broke free from the neo-Puritanical mores of 1950’s retro art and entered the drug induced world of Berkeley. As upper classmen, we know how difficult it is when you first set foot on the campus. Heck, that first step is usually into a steaming pile of human feces. Yep, what with the roaming transients and bitter street punks, Berkeley pavement is about as sanitary as Monica Lewinsky’s wardrobe. Unfortunately, Jane and I can’t tell you where the piles of crap are and how to avoid them (they vary depending on wind speed and azimuth), but we can introduce you to the sights of the Berkeley campus.
Before we take the tour, however, we must warn you that this is not the same map you may have seen in the schedule of classes. We’ve stripped away the facade, exposed the university’s soft and festering underbelly, and converted Cal’s P.C. map into a true representation of our hallowed campus. Here are some of the special sights you’ll see during our tour:
Kip’s
You may have already visited this fine culinary institution for “pizza and soda” during CalSo. I’m sure Cindy, your perky CalSo counselor, informed you that, “Everyone hella goes to Kip’s!” That’s odd… Kip’s features a dank, third-world decor, shitty service, and the greasiest pizza in town. Nine freshmen have drowned in scalding Kip’s pizza grease since 1974. So why does every undergraduate go there on Friday night? Simple. Kip’s doesn’t hesitate to serve Jagermeister shots to infants. So go to Kip’s, but if you need to use the restroom, wear a bee-keeper’s suit, and bring a bat.
Stern Hall
Originally established as a bordello, Stern has undergone major adjustments since its construction. From housing Nazi fugitives to brewing its own moonshine during Prohibition, this housing complex has never failed to entertain. Ask a resident about the late night Spandex and whipped cream fights. For the true adventurer, try to sneak past the totalitarian security monitors known to castrate even the most innocent male visitor.
Trailer ‘O Love
When Texan Robert Berdahl took over for Chancellor Tien it was out with the mansion and in with the tornado proof de-luxe trailer home. Appointment policy: If this trailer’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’!
Tang Experimental Health Facility
Every major university should possess some form of professional and capable medical care, both reasonably priced and within stumbling distance of the campus. Students at Cal are left wondering, “So where’s ours?” What can one say about a facility that still swears by rectal thermometers and leeches, often used together in their patented technique of Anal-Plasmologytm? Sometimes, it’s just better to suck it up and medicate yourself with Telegraph heroin and massive doses of horse tranquilizers.
