A Children’s Hospital Run By Children
Patient Care
Patient (Age 5): Doctor, I don’t feel good inside. I’m all squirmy in my brain. And my legs won’t stop kicking!
Dr. Billy (Age 9): Lemme ask you one question. Have you been laughing a lot lately?
Patient: Um, yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah I have!
Dr. Billy: I was afraid of that. You’ve contracted a very serious case of the sillies.
[A disembodied voice echoes through the hall.]
Voice: Ha-hahaha. AHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Dr. Billy: [shudders] It’s one of the worst outbreaks we’ve seen in years.
Dr. Simon (Age 7): [running in through the door] Billy, come quick! We’ve got another one in Room 310!
Dr. Billy: Poopy darn! They’re dropping like flies. Have we at least made any progress on identifying the contagion?
Dr. Simon: Lab reports suggest the only thing victims have in common is contact with girls.
Dr. Billy: Cooties, my old foe. We meet again.
Emergency Room
[Two child EMT’s rush a patient through the hospital halls.]
Child EMT: Get out of the way! This patient has a splinter!
Patient (Age 6): Waaaaahhhhhh, bwaaaaaaahhhhh!
Child EMT: [entering the ER] He’s gonna need sedation. Nurse, get some Skittles!
Dr. Simon: This looks bad. What is it? Rug burn? Scraped knee? Not a bee sting?
Child EMT: Worse. Splinter in the hand, doctor. Right in between the fingers!
Dr. Simon: Oh my gosh. Get me the tweasers.
Patient: No! No! I’m too young for surger–
Dr. Simon: There! All done.
Patient: [sniffling] Thank you, doctor. I can’t believe you did that! Let’s be best friends.
Dr. Simon: I didn’t go to baby med school to be best friends with wimps. Send him to Psychiatric for trauma counseling.
Surgery
[A group of child surgeons is gathered around a sedated patient on an operating table.]
Dr. Billy: Okie dokie, what have we got here?
Surgeon (Age 11): Patient has been being a crybaby since taking a blow to the genitalia a bunch of days ago. You’re gonna do exploratory surgery to discover the source of the ouchie.
Dr. Billy. Whoa, you want me to cut open his weewee? Grooosss.
Surgeon: I don’t see any other option.
Dr. Billy: Why don’t we just give him a lollipop? That makes everybody feel better.
Surgeon: Brilliant, doctor. Okay let’s go play tag.
Administrative Affairs
Chief of Medicine (Age 3): Awright Simon, I know we’re fwends, but I’m twyin’ to wun a hospital here! You can’t keep wunnin’ awound like you own the place!
Dr. Simon: But I do own the place! My parents bought it off you for a piggy back ride.
Chief: I don’t care! You gotsa follow the wules like evwybody else. This hospital is full of tattletales. Did you think I wasn’t gonna find out about you noogying patients in the head twauma ward?
Dr. Simon: My professional integrity was on the line. I got triple dog dared to!
Chief: We’re doctors, Simon. We make hard choices evwyday. If I twiple dog dared you to knowingly let a patient die, would you do it?
Dr. Simon: Yeah, duh.
Chief: No way! I twiple dog dare you to kill a patient.
Dr. Simon: Okay, c’mon! I wanna see what happens when you put Kool-Aid in an IV.
Intensive Care Unit
[A high pitched beeping noise indicates that a patient’s heart has stopped.]
Nurse Emily (Age 5): Doctor, we need to act fast! Patient is flatlining!
Dr. Billy: He must have a broken heart! Twenty cc’s of puppies, stat!
[A nurse rolls up with a cart carrying 20 adorable puppies.]
Nurse Mia (Age 4): Hurry, get these doggies on the patient’s bed before they play too much and fall asleep!
[The puppies roll around adorably on the bed and paw at the patient’s chest.]
Dr. Billy: Looks like my job is done here.
Nurse: Doctor, this patient has a congenital heart defect.
Patient: [continues flatlining]
Dr. Billy: Uh oh.
