Study Finds that Yes, BART is Supposed to Sound Like That

An inquiry into the Bay Area Rapid Transit by the State of California has found that the sounds emitting from a BART train during its normal service route, often thought to resemble the ghoulish metallic shrieks of haunted souls serving an infinite penance, are “definitely supposed to be there.”

Rather than implicate decades of poor maintenance, inadequate quality standards, and a general crumbling of US infrastructure, the report found that the clanging, most resembling the tormented screams of exploited laborers upon whose bones the BART lines were laid, was “not even that loud, if you really think about it. The average rock concert is well over the OSHA threshold as well. And rock concerts are, like, totally bad-ass.” The study went on to say that the BART is equally bad-ass, and questioning its “dangers” is uncalled for. “People often overlook the many perks of riding on the BART. For instance, sitting next to a bag of wet trash secures one’s privacy.”

According to the survey findings, 91% of commuters agree that the flickering lights and continuous bumping of the BART as it hurtles through the dark at 80 mph beneath the San Francisco bay reminds them of the near-death thrills found at many big name theme parks, such as Disney World, Magic Mountain, and Knott’s Berry Farm.

At press time, a BART comptroller was arrested in his connection to an under-the-table purchase of 200 metric tonnes of WD-40.