Hail and well met, bro! As a young gentleman newly arrived at manhood, thou hast undoubtedly asked thyself, “How may I conduct myself with honor and dignity, all the while consorting with beauteous wenches and smiting mine enemies?” Of course thou hast! Unless thou art some kind of pussy. Art thou? ART THOU?
I thought not! So stop crying and rejoice, for thy salvation is at hand! Simply follow these easy steps, and thou wilt soon make Sir Galahad look like Sir Bedivere!
Step 1: Land Acquisition
The first thing an up-and-coming young knight needs is some land to defend from his enemies. Inheritance is the preferred method, but if thy parents be not landed gentry, consider oppressing some peasants until they sign their holdings over to thy name in a system of feudal obligation. Then file Forcible Land-Grab Form 113-b with thy Municipal Department of Fiefdoms and voilà! An estate that for all anyone else knows was in thy family for generations.
Step 2: Creating a Coat of Arms
Nothing says “distinguished gentleman” like a fancy shield with pictures on it! A good coat of arms tells the world that thou hast a long, venerable family history, and didst not just send away for one in the ‘70s like everyone else. Don’t have one? Why not send away for one like everyone else did in the ‘70s? The wenches won’t know the difference!
Step 3: Proper Womanizing
If thou hast skipped ahead to this part, for shame! True chivalry shall never be thine, Sir Horndog! For all others, this is still probably the section thou carest most about. And rightly so! The two tests of a worthy gentleman’s prowess be his skill on the battlefield and in the bedchamber. Fortunately, most wenches secretly wish that a knight in shining armor would carry them away. Though they might protest, exclaiming “Nay, good sir!”, or “Hands off you weird-talking pervert!”, deep down they want thy lance to pillage their escutcheon. Keep thy resolve!
(A footnote: an ill-timed advance may result in an unpleasant encounter with Mace, either chemical or cast-iron. Be warned!)
These be the skills that every young man needeth to comport himself in a manner befitting the knights of old! Godspeed and remember: to keep thine strapping stature free of syphilis, sheathe thine little squire with only the finest sheepskins!
