Berkeley attracts homeless people like sluts attract Chlamydia, only sluts can treat Chlamydia, while we are left to deal with the itchy discharge that is the homeless. Every homeless man, woman or dog uses some weep-story tragedy to try to extract charity from our pockets. Some of these stories are genuine and sad, while other are trans-flamation, which is a word I just made up meaning BULLSHIT in all caps. As a Berkeley veteran I have heard many homeless sales pitches and know how to discern the genuine from the trans-flamation. Here’s a guide.
Story One
Story: They just shut down my homeless shelter and I was wondering if I could have some change for something warm to eat.
Fact or Fiction: Fact
Explanation: By ‘food’ they mean ‘crack’ and by ‘eat’ they mean ‘burn their lips and fingers on a crack pipe’. Acquiring a third-degree burn can provide warmth for hours.
Story Two
Story: I’m an ex-Marine who just got back from the Iraqi War. I’m just trying to get back on my own two feet. Can you help me out?
Fact or Fiction: Fiction
Explanation: Uncivilized, malodorous people with beards aren’t allowed in Iraq. No, no, no. All homeless people are animatronic robot-pirates from the hit Disneyland ride “Pirates of the Caribbean.” And everyone knows that animatronic robot-pirates can’t get back on their own two feet, unless programmed to do so.
Story Three
Story: My car just broke down and I was wondering if I could borrow 20 bucks to get it fixed at this station. I’ll send you the money in the mail if you give me your address.
Fact or Fiction: Fact
Explanation: This story seems foolproof. Just make sure it’s one of those new twenties.
Story Four
Story: I just got out of prison and now I’m pregnant and have AIDS. Can you help me out with change? Food? A cigarette? Anything?
Fact or Fiction: Fiction
Explanation: While it is true that California prisons now sentence criminals to pregnancy or AIDS, they never do both at the same time. Though if she is pregnant, you should definitely give her a cigarette.
Story Five
Story: Why lie, I really just want to taste a beer again.
Fact or Fiction: Fact
Explanation: Every homeless person loves the taste of beer. Go ahead and get him a six-pack of O’Doul’s.
Story Six
Story: I’m an animatronic robot-pirate from the hit Disneyland ride “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Can ye spare any change for an old scabrous dog?
Fact or Fiction: Fact
Explanation: I love that ride. Make sure $100 is enough for animatronic robot food and a blow job from an animatronic prostitute.
