In this fast-paced internet-based fiber-optic African-swallow age of ours where time is money and money some sort of meta-time, we’re just too busy for standard courtship whether in romance, finance, or metallurgy. We need answers and we need them before we asked the question. Introducing, Pre-Jection.
Pre-Jection Letters In Finance
Dear Resident,
We regret to inform you that you have been pre-rejected for CitiBank’s newest credit card, the Citi Diamond Preferred Rewards Card. After an extensive preview of your potential financial history, our credit department has determined that you do not now and will not ever qualify for one of our cards.
Had you qualified, you would’ve experienced an exciting new type of credit card with no annual fees and free admission to the ThankYou Redemptions Network. In such a hypothetical universe you would’ve been able to redeem your ThankYou points at numerous exciting retail locations including Old Navy, Best Buy, The Sharper Image, and Pier 1 Imports. You would’ve experienced a credit card that rewards you with things you really want, featuring not only a great rate, but also 3 bonus months of 0% APR. Unfortunately you will never qualify.
Extensive data mining and astrological cost-benefit analysis suggests that the best course of action for both yourself and this company is to provide you with this pre-rejection notice to ensure that you do not consider for even one second sending us an application, and to ensure that should you accidentally receive a pre-approval letter, you may be certain that it does not and will never apply to you.
Please save a copy of this letter for your files.
Sincerely,
Your CitiBank Advising Team
Pre-Jection Letters In Love
Dear John,
I’m sorry that it will come to this, but over the next few weeks and months we’re going to drift apart. At first, I hoped that I could wait for you during your 12-month tour of duty in Iraq, but as we stand here on the docks about to say goodbye, I can’t help but feel that we’re already about to begin changing. Over the next two months I’m going to meet several men, including your brother and a taxidermist from Detroit. I never meant to meet them, it will come as a complete surprise, but damn it, John, a woman has needs! Or will have needs anyway. Besides, you won’t be one to talk. Damn you and your Baghdad whores. Will you think that I won’t find out!?
Really, I’m not angry, just sad, but also hopeful that you’ll understand. I’m truly sorry that things are going to end this way, but now that you’ve finished the note and have nearly reached the gangplank, I hope that time will heal your wounds.
With love,
Angela
Pre-Jection Cards At Parties
From: Jessica Sanders
Kappa Kappa Gamma
To: Guy at Party
Msg: It’s never gonna happen
From: Stephanie Wie
Delta Gamma
To: Guy at Party
Msg: You’re under 6’1″
From: Kim Lee
Kappa Delta Phi
To: Guy at Party
Msg: Get a guitar. We’ll talk
