Seeking to both capitalize on renewed interest in its Wonka trademark and respond to the complaints of labor unions and children’s rights groups, Nestle inc. has announced a marketing plan to “reimagine” their factories. Executives hope to involve customers in the candy maker’s production process by likening it to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, noting that child laborers in their factories will now be paid in golden tickets and will trade in their 22-hour work days for whimsical new Everlasting Work Days. The company also announced plans to relabel the African slaves who harvest their cocoa beans “oompa loompas” and to kill their first born male sons of any oompa loompas that refused to wear their new uniforms.
“We want to recapture the whit and whimsy of a child’s imagination that candy used to be associated with,” said Nestle spokesman Steve Sladden in defense of the program, “you know, like whipping the cocoa niggers with ropes made of licorice and so forth.”
“–er, the oompa loompas,” Sladden corrected himself, chuckling over his linguistic faux paux, “excuse me… As you can see, this is a big change for all of us.”
When asked about the morality of his company’s production methods, CEO Peter Brabeck-Letmathe responded by noting that everything in the press conference was, in fact, edible and implored those in attendance to “go ahead and indulge!”
Moments later, several journalists fell ill from trying to digest real, inedible ball-point pens and were forced to leave early. As they were leaving, Brabeck-Letmathe cracked an oversized candy cane across the back of a nearby oompa loompa and bellowed “SING!” Several re-christened servants then emerged to perform a contrived, loosely-rehearsed song-and-dance number that entertained no one.
