Studies have shown and sitcoms agree that the most important thing a father can do is pressure his children to play sports. But what if you don’t have time for that shit?
72% GAA forging McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces
21% GAA hiding from son
11% GAA attempting to pay child support with forged Monopoly game pieces
2% GAA time with son
5% GAA waiting for that episode of _Walker, Texas Ranger where he fights a bear to air again_
So with only 25 hours in the day, and over 111% of those hours already committed, you see that it’s very hard to fit in time for sports, especially when those Monopoly game pieces are no longer limited to 15 per customer per day.
Don’t want to waste your time playing catch? Tell your kid you won’t play unless he takes responsibility for his sports equipment, then demand that he inflate a baseball. When he says he can’t, just shake your head in disappointment and start drinking in front of him until he goes inside.
Don’t want to play touch football? Convince him that he doesn’t exist, prompting a philosophical crisis and never-ending depression. Or hide the football.
Don’t want to shoot hoops with him? Say you’re going out for cigarettes and then leave home for six and a half years.
Now eventually, you may actually be forced to devote some time to sports with your son (thank you very much, Lower District Court of California!), but don’t worry, you can weasel out of that too.
Here are some sports activities that let you spend time with your son without having to do any work:
- Watching other children play sports.
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Getting Daddy a beer.
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Reenacting famous sports moments like the 1994 World Series or the 2002 “Congressional Hearings on Steroid Abuse in Baseball and Watching Daddy Sleep.”
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Getting Daddy another beer.
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Taping your son’s hands to the back of the car, then driving around for a few hours.
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Drawing pictures of imaginary sports stars with imaginary pens on imaginary paper while watching TV.
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“Quarters.”
Tip: You can get away with having your son play uninteresting sports if you put extra pressure on him.
Son: But Dad! I don’t want to play Hungry Hungry Hippos for six more hours!
Dad: Son, I didn’t want to have to tell you this. But if your hippo doesn’t eat those marbles fast enough, I’m going to die and no one will ever love you again.
Son: Wait, but how GAA
Dad: [clutching chest] Ugggg, I don’t hear those hippos!
Dilemma: You want to wean him off more traditional sports.
Son: Dad, when I grow up, I want to be a basketball player!
Dad: Oh, so you like smoking pot and raping women, huh? Besides, you’re too short, you’re only five feet tall.
Son: But I’m only nine. I can still grow.
Dad: Not likely with all that pot stunting your hormones.
Son: But I don’t smoke!
Dad: Yeah, whatever you say, Captain McRapesAndSmokes.
Son: [sobbing] This is the worst parent-teacher conference ever!
Tip: If all else fails, think Misery and Tonya Harding.
Son: Dad! There’s a scout from the expensive high school who wants to recruit me for track and field! Help me practice.
Dad: That’s great, son. Let me just get my coat from the closet, then I’ll GAA
[Closet opens; man in ski mask emerges and breaks son’s legs with 26 lead pipe strikes]
Dad: Whoops! I forgot that guy was in there.
Son: Oh, it hurts, my legs are ruined! Well, thank God my hands are okay. At least I can still get into the school on a piano scholarship.
Dad: Let me just get my other coat…
