- Wears a lot of turtlenecks
- Enjoys “musical theatre,” insofar as “musical theatre” is “being homosexually dominated”
- Insists on scented candles when dripping hot wax onto his groin
- Sports leather platform boots when attending ’70s-themed parties, when not attending ’70s-themed parties
- Exceptional at pairing wines with whatever he’s forced to eat from a doggy bowl
- Speaks through ball gag with slight lisp
- Owns assless chaps; conspicuously lacks horse
- Instead of Home Depot, shops at Restoration Hardware for heavy-duty bondage gear
- Has Tom Selleck mustache; is not Tom Selleck
- Wears earring in right nipple
