Let me tell you something, I fucking love to cuss. Cussing has revolutionized my life; now I get myself heard. I remember way back in middle school, when I was a big pussy. I thought cussing was evil or something; that God himself was counting the number of swear words I used and would fuckin’ kick my ass when I died. I was a huge pussy. Then I reached high school and realized that cussing was fucking awesome, and that if I wanted to be heard, I had to get serious about my speech. I had to take it to a new level. Now, I am heard. If someone pisses me off, I call them a “shitface.” Someone does something stupid like trip or have an asthma attack, they are “assholes.” When I go to court, you better believe I let the judge know who is in control of the English language:
“Your Honor, I would just like to say this is all fucking bullshit, and you look like a damn girl up there. You think you’re the fucking Queen of England? I’m the motherfucking Queen of England. Eat my pussy out bitch. In conclusion, I did not rape those 14-year-old girls, I merely gave them what they wanted: a serious deep dicking. I gave in to their demands your honor! I mean you shithead.”You see the direct and scientific use of the word “fuck.” Without it, I wouldn’t have gotten any respect at all. I let the judge know that I was nobody’s bitch and that he could either rule me as not guilty or suck my cock. Let’s move on to college exams:> “Excuse me professor, are you out of your fucking mind? ‘Cause you gave me a shitty B+ on this midterm; I think I deserved an A. You need to realize that I pay your fucking salary, so take that money I waste on your pay and buy a new pair of glasses. Then reread my damn paper and give me the goddamn grade I deserve, you pathetic waste of space.”Once again this is an excellent example how ordinary words such as “pathetic” and “damn” can be used quite effectively in creating a longer, more drawn-out attention getting device. This teacher understood that I deserved an A, and it was clear from his response I was going to get it. He told me I would “get what I had coming to me.” I’ll just assume it’s a fucking A+ ’cause I’m smart and he’s a dipshit.
