Throughout history, Webster’s defines half-Jew as “One who is half-Jewish.” What is often overlooked in this mess is what exactly this means in terms of social history. Recent anthropological and archaeological research has shed new light on prominent events in half-Jew history. We have faithfully reenacted some of these scenarios below.
The Spanish Inquisition
Inquisitor: So, Jew, must we ask you to convert or do we need to torture you?
Half-Jew: I’m not Jewish.
Inquisitor: Ah, so then you accept Christ Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
Half-Jew: No.
Inquisitor: Ah, so then you are a Jew!
Half-Jew: Not really.
Inquisitor: Ah, so then you accept Christ Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
Half-Jew: No.
Inquisitor: Ah, so then you are a Jew!
Half-Jew: Not really.
Being Interviewed for a Job
Interviewer: So why’d you quit your job as a stand-up comic?
Half-Jew: Only half my jokes were funny.
Interviewer: I see. Why’d you leave the accounting firm?
Half-Jew: Well, I managed to cut costs pretty well, but only half as well as my colleagues.
Interviewer: And then what about your job as a motion picture producer?
Half-Jew: I managed to raise only half the needed capital for my projects.
Interviewer: Look, I’m beginning to find your track record personally offensive.
Half-Jew: Can I help it if I’m mediocre?
The Passover Seder
Rabbi: And Blessed art Thou, Lord our God, Ruler of the Universe, Creator of the Fruit of the Vine!
Congregation: And Blessed art Thou, Lord our God, Ruler of the Universe, Creator of the Fruit of the Vine!
Half-Jew: I’ll say. Hey, anyone have some horseradish for my matzo and ham sandwich?
At the Jew-Supply Store
Half-Jew: Yes, I’d like to purchase one yarmulke and a pair of scissors.
Clerk: Oh really?
Half-Jew: Yeah, I need to wear the yarmulke at my cousin’s bat mitzvah and I figured the scissors would be a good present for her.
Clerk: That’s a pretty shitty present.
Half-Jew: Well, I hate my cousin.
The Bat Mitzvah
Half-Jew: What a wonderful Bat Mitzvah! Congratulations Sara!
Cousin Sara: Fuck you. Those scissors sucked. And I can’t believe you cut your yarmulke in half.
