Whenever I’m feeling down, I like to boost my self-esteem by comparing myself to other people. Perhaps that’s why I like alcoholics, the elderly, and people who play Counterstrike. Recently, however, I chose someone who would prove to be a tougher target (but just barely): Mario Lopez, better known as A.C. Slater from “Saved By the Bell.” At first I felt kind of bad about making fun of a dead guy, but then his agent assured me that he was, in fact, available for commercials, dunk tanks, bar mitzvahs, self defense classes, or defecating onto a paper plate in front of a crowd of people. But I’d have to bring the plate.
SLATER – Web Hits on Yahoo for “Mario Lopez”: 25,300
MATT – Web Hits on Yahoo for “Matt Loker”: 2
Yeah, I’d have 25,000 hits too if my name was “John Smith” or “lesbian peeing nipples.” By the by, his personal website is a blank page. Understandable, seeing as how web hosting prices are up to 40 dollars a month. At least they were the last time he had anywhere near 40 dollars. Winner: Him (Funny aside: “Last Updated: 25-May-1999”)
SLATER – Current Occupation: …Seriously?
MATT – Current Occupation: Computer Tech
Though a computer tech is hardly the sexiest of jobs, remember this: I drink scotch “for fun,” as opposed to “with my unemployment check.”
Winner: Me
**SLATER – Phone Number: 266-9666 Best Spelling: Bony Mom
MATT – Phone Number: 527-1439 Best Spelling: LA-71-HEY**
While it may seem that his is cooler because it doesn’t sound like something a quarterback would yell, bear this in mind: he has the MARK OF THE BEAST in his number. That, and the Bay Area is cooler than L.A. any day. L.A., of course, is area code 819. Not that that means anything.
Winner: Me
**SLATER – Best Movie of Career: “Breaking the Surface: The Greg Louganis Story” (1996)
MATT – Best Movie of Career: “Party at Matt’s House Where Matt Passes out in the Shower After 14 Shots of Jager” (2000)**
While my entry wasn’t a Hollywood movie per se, it’s still better than a cheesy TV biopic about a gay swimmer. I’d rather call up my mom and tell her I was in Pussyman’s Cocksucking Championship 8. As a janitor. Winner: Technically, Him (Another funny aside: a user comment on the IMDB reads as follows – “A beautiful and brilliant film. Mario Lopez’s acting ability is incredible and plays Greg Louganis with such sensitivity and emotion.” It’s nice to see that he takes the time to reflect on his own work.)
**SLATER – Attends UC Berkeley: No
MATT – Attends UC Berkeley: Yes I can’t believe the computer randomly chose this category! I mean, that’s just weird. Winner: Me**
**SLATER – Quote: “I love talking about women because they are a constant study and you’re always learning.”
MATT – Quote: “You’re fucking stupid.” As always, my witty rejoinder carries the day. Winner: Me**
That’s right, I win it 4-2. Hey, I feel better already. Next up: I challenge Jerry’s Kids to a kickboxing contest! The winner gets to keep all the wheelchairs.
One last funny aside: Slater’s co-star Screech from Saved by the Bell is actually named Dustin Diamond. No shit. When you’re filming something with a half-Mexican guy and someone named Dustin Diamond, they have a name for that: GAY PORNO.
