While Disney tries to hide phallic symbols in the back of its cutesy animated features, no one needs to slow down the tape to realize that the Disney princesses are really fucking hot. Think about it: what turns us guys on when watching a porno? The sexy girls on screen getting down with some hot, hot sex. Why should the Disney movies be any different? Sure, we never see them in the heat of the act, but we, as intelligent, insightful college students can infer and extrapolate. While most of us guys haven’t watched any of the Disney movies in a long time, maybe we should…
Snow White
Being the first Princess of the Disney clique, she’s the boss. And that’s perfectly alright, but I’m not sure I can handle Snow White’s BDSM 24-7. One thing’s for sure: Snow White is one kinky girl. If the idea of sex with a girl and seven dwarves sounds appealing then Snow White is the freak for you. A friend tried to tell me that she wasn’t hot, but I retorted that that’s because Snow White was made in the 1930s; hell, if she were drawn today, with that short black hair she’d so be an Indie kid. Just throw on some glasses, an ironic tank over a long sleeve shirt, and a few streaks of color into her hair and she’d be indistinguishable -A! but definitely a freak.
Sleeping Beauty
At first I didn’t see too much positive characteristics about this girl compared to the rest, I mean while she is a natural blonde, she probably isn’t the sexiest, nor does she have the most compelling personality, of the Disney Princesses. But then I realized, hey, she’s Sleeping Beauty! None of that boring post-sex talk: she, like me, is going to roll over and fall fast asleep. I mean, what the hell are we going to talk about anyway, sewing and spinning wheels?
Speaking of spinning wheels, I’d be a bit hesitant to get with this Magic Princess. While yes, she is Sleeping Beauty, do we forget that her sleeping spell is directly linked to her getting pricked by a needle? Now I may not be an MCB major, but I know that that’s not a normal reaction. Keeping this in mind, I’d be a little cautious around this beauty. If anything, make sure all your pricks are sheathed before spinning with this tainted Princess.
Cinderella
While yes, she is going to look the best at the ball, after a while you’ll probably just check your watch, looking to see how long ’til midnight. Think about it: she’s coming from a long day of dealing with her evil step-sisters, so the time you spend with her will probably be filled with all sorts of depressing anecdotes about her shitty life. And while you might think you’re getting a humble girl, don’t count too heavily on it; there’s some devilish twinkle in her eye that makes me think that once the tables are turned, she’d be a bit of a slob herself.
Belle
Probably the most intelligent girl in this list, Belle’s got that whole seductive-French thing going on. While in the movie she falls in love with the Beast, she’s probably let down at the end when the Beast (and his gigantic-sized pleasure apparatus) is reduced to normal human size. Poor girl. Looking at Beast, we see that she’s into rough and big guys. She also reads a lot. Expect to be playing out teacher fantasies with this hot brunette.
Jasmine
Jasmine brings “diversity” to Disney’s clique of Princesses. Jasmine comes equipped with a killer body, plus you just know she has a full working knowledge of the Kama Sutra (even though she’s not Hindu), and, lastly, there’s something erotic about having a girl with a pet tiger. Not a pussycat or a boring dog, a fucking tiger. She’s also the only Princess of the bunch who’s a formal princess by birth, not by some stupid twist of fate or under some strange provision that she’d be dressed like a peasant. That means Jasmine has the power of the free-flowing account of her father, the Sultan, and all the opulent wealth that accompanies his title. Hot sex + lots of cash = good times. I’d love to show her “A Whole New World.”
Ariel
Easily, the most scantily clad of the Princesses, I equate Ariel with some sort of Florida Beach girl. For some reason, with her sporty attitude and her seashell bikini, I can’t see her anywhere other than Spring Break in Miami Beach; you just know she’s going to let loose like any one of those Girls Gone Wild once you get a few Bacardis and a Sex on the Beach in her.
The quickest and most awkward negative observation is that, while she’s a really hot girl up top, she doesn’t have a proper vagina! So while this might not necessarily be a horrible thing, it definitely puts a kink in the normal way of sexual relations. Just remember Daryl Hannah in Splash, and you’ll catch my drift.
Nala
While officially not on Disney’s list of Magical Princesses, I’m inclined to disagree: why should a princess (or queen) be discounted merely because she walks around on all fours? Is that really a bad thing? The way I see it, Disney humanizes all its animals anyway, so if you get a little turned on when watching a lioness, it’s not your fault, it’s Disney’s. While normally I strongly frown upon any idea of bestiality, Nala’s my one exception: she’s got those deep, sexy eyes and, c’mon, who wouldn’t want to have sex with the queen of beasts? I’d do a lion, totally.
The negative side to Nala comes through the movie The Lion King itself. While I usually have a problem with bestiality, I really have a problem with pedophilia and for half of the movie, we have to deal with Nala as a cub. And, as if that’s not bad enough, her youthful status also reminds us of Simba as a cub, voiced by Jonathan Taylor Thomas. That’s definitely not a face I want to think of when trying to make sweet, sweet love to any lioness.
