A 10:00am meeting at Berkeley’s Ecology Law Center was spoiled earlier this week when it was discovered that all thirteen bagels purchased by intern Jenny Fialla tasted like onion. The culprit was allegedly a single onion bagel placed in the bottom of the bag.
“Mother fuck,” cursed Attorney Jeremy Roland as he bit into a disappointing sun-dried tomato bagel. “Onion. All I got is onion on this shit. God damn it.”
Little by little, it was learned that the remaining bagels, including two poppy seed, two cinnamon raisin, one chocolate chip, and a handful each of plain, egg, and cheese each shared the foul flavor of their lonely, hated, oniony companion.
A spokesperson for the local Noah’s Bagels, where the bagels were purchased, speculated that the restaurant’s process of “condensing seven and a half onions into a single bagel may be excessive, but fuck you guys and get the hell out of here.”