Pillsbury Announces Release of “Ready to Eat” Cookies

Pillsbury announced the release of new “Ready to Eat” Cookies this week, the latest product in the company’s successful “Baking for Retards” product line. Unlike previous products such as “Ready to Bake” cookies, which consist or small cubes of dough that can be placed directly onto a baking sheet, “Ready to Eat” cookies can be transferred from the packaging directly into the mouth and eaten.

“We finally realized that, when people want cookies, they want them now,” said Pillsbury CEO Pamela Hufnagel. “Who wants to wait upto and including ten minutes while the cookies sit in some oven?”

Contingent on the success of “Ready to Eat” Cookies, plans are already underway to release “Ready to Crap” Cookies next winter. These pre-digested treats will come in the form of single-serving suppositories which can be defecated immediately upon placement in the anus.