Dear Editor,
The Heuristic Squelch is a hateful, misogynist, and generally extremist publication. I hate you. Please except this firebomb on behalf of Cal Students Against Hate, Misogyny, and Extremism.
Dear CSAHME,
This is absolute bullshit of the worst sort. In fact, we at the Squelch hate with all of our hateful beings anyone who would espouse such a view. The amount of hate we harbor toward these people couldn’t even begin to be measured. If you took all the stadiums in the entire world and filled them with liquid hate, you would still need a whole major load of hate to even approach how much we hate that. Fuck those people.
The misogynistic thing is an even stupider accusation. It sounds like the kind of thing that a woman would come up with. Hah. Women. It’s really funny, when you think about it, how much worse off the entire human race is because of women. Requesting all that goddamn maternity leave and storing containers of breast milk in office refrigerators. What’s up with that? It’s really funny when you watch women do stuff. It’s like, anything they try to do looks really funny compared to when a guy does it. Women playing kickball are especially funny, because they kick all sissy and lots of times they’ll run to third base instead of first base. And everyone is yelling at them “NO NO NO, run the other way!” and they’ll just keep running toward third base with this confused look on their face. Maybe eventually they’ll learn to play kickball decent, but we at the Squelch won’t be waiting up nights for it.
Finally, we will address the claim that the Squelch is an extremist publication. Yeah, well, maybe there is some truth to that. For example, it extremely kicks ass. We’re a lot better than most of the crap that disseminates around these days. You know that Extreme song where they play that acoustic guitar and all those people are sitting around in the video just pulling at their private parts? Why is it that any time a girl hears that song she gets all mushy and starts crying? It’s like they don’t even stop and wonder why that’s the only song you’ve ever heard of by that disgusting excuse for a band. So, in summation, just read our damn magazine and stop asking so many stupid questions.
GAAL.F.
