It is standard in the life of any neurotic complainer to run out of personal flaws to foment over. When this happens, he casts his cynical gaze out at the world around him and continues his life of criticism. Scholars in the field of asshology are in debate as to when this actually occurs, but for me, it was at approximately six weeks of age. This means I’ve had a great deal of time to systematically point out the shortcomings of others. My subject for today is college professors. Why? Well, you could say that my views are a simple manifestation of feelings of inadequacy due to their superior intellectual stature. But really, it’s cuz they’re such silly-assed boobs sometimes. Here are some of the problem areas I have noticed…
Excessive Pacing: Anyone who has gone up front after lecture to ask a question and fallen into a six foot trench knows what I mean. Now, I don’t expect profs to stand with their feet set in concrete, but when smoke is rolling off their loafers and my neck feels like set five courtside at Wimbledon, there’s a problem.
Stuttering: I know, this is a serious and embarrassing problem, and courtesy dictates you shouldn’t make fun of it. However, I think courtesy sucks a gallon of anthrax virus. It amuses me that a student can pass through the finest educational institutions in the world and write a cutting-edge dissertation, yet getting a coherent sentence out of their mouth is like pushing an elephant through a doggy-door. It’s like, alright chief, just write down what you want to say, and I’ll give the damn lecture. Poor fuckin’ elephants…
Answering the Wrong Question: You ever ask a question regarding the decreasing marginal utility of a commodity and get a ten minute reply explaining how sodomy is an effective penal-corrective instrument for product liability cases? Well, me neither, but don’t think it couldn’t happen. I mean, would you like me to personally clean out your ear canals with steel wool and pipe cleaner before voicing my question?
Refusing to use a mic in a large lecture hall: We all know you can tie it around your neck, so don’t let the professor give you any bull about needing her hands free. And regarding reduced mobility due to cord length, see the above section on pacing. Given the large class sizes inherent in the University of California system, a little amplification isn’t too much to ask. That being said, moderation is the key. There’s nothing worse than a P.A. system cranked to the point that we can hear the professor’s heart valves opening and closing for an hour and a half.
I could elaborate on countless other things professors do that make my ear, nose and throat ache, but I’m out of space, and frankly, I’d like to get at least one letter of recommendation before I’m forced out of here. Thanks for reading, and look forward to next issue where I’ll voice my criticisms on pond algae and G.W.F Hegel’s concept of right and its actualization. Now, turn the page, idiot. Do you need a written invitation?
