Dear Editor,
Bite me!
-M. Albert
Dear Editor,
Hey, that’s not funny punk.
-E. Holyfield
Dear Squelch,
Please tell people to stop calling me, Since the late 80’s, I’ve answered the phone over 2 million times. The next person to call 867-5309 is going to get a piece of my mind. Knock that shit off!
- Jenny
Dear Squelch,
My roommate spends way too much time in our dorm room. I find myself counting the minutes until he leaves for class so that I can masturbate to Serina Johnson’s Sex on Tuesday column. What can I do?
-Horny Frosh in Unit 3
Dear Horny Frosh,
Kill your roommate or just go masturbate in the coed showers like everyone else.
-Squelch
Dear Editor,
Your publication is no longer funny. The format is outdated and the jokes are rehashed. I’m tired of this shit. Please send the next issue to my new address.
-A Reader
Dear Patrick,
How’s the this issue coming along?
-Jason
Dear Jason,
Not very well… I’ve done a masturbation joke and nobody’s laughing yet.
-Patrick
Dear Editors,
The new two hour online limit recklessly imposed on students by the communication and network services department is a sham of a mockery of a sham. This decision represents a direct attack on my college lifestyle: no longer can I engage in epic, seven hour online war games; my pornographic movies are cut short, leaving out essential plot developments; and worst of all, my cyber-dates must now be constantly interrupted as I redial every two hours. I am convinced that this decision is nothing less than another one of the University’s countless conspiracy efforts. What do they expect me to do? Study my course material? Give back to the community? Speak with other human beings in person? The University claims to respect diversity, but this, along with Proposition 209 is further proof that it’s all one big lie. The internet users of this campus add a unique element to the university environment. Who else will smell funny, wear bad clothes, and create malicious viruses that erase your hard drive when these hard working students pack up and take their talents to a non-discriminating university? Soy un perdador.
-Luke Filose, EECS Major
Dear Luke,
Sorry, but we don’t print this type of nonsensical bullshit.
-Squelch
