Sure, it may still be March, but April is just around the corner. So what does this mean? April showers that bring May flowers? Time to pay your taxes? One month until finals? Pink Floyd concerts? All very good answers, but you are forgetting something: April Fool’s Day, you fool! To help make your April Fool’s Day more enjoyable and exciting, here’s a handy list of suggestions. You can play these tricks on friends, loved ones, and the Irish guy next door.
- Snort a whole bunch of cocaine and donate blood. With a little luck, the recipient will be someone who has to take a drug test!
- Hold a random person hostage at gunpoint. Then, right before midnight, yell “April Fools!” No, wait… screw April Fools, just go out and take someone hostage at gunpoint!
- Forge a letter to your friend’s parents, telling them he has decided to quit school and marry his boyfriends in a satanic ritual. Don’t forget to ask for money so the parents think it is a real letter.
- Erase your roommate’s take-home midterm and replace it with clever little poems!
- Kidnap your neighbors’ dog or cat- whichever one shits in your yard (maybe both). Then invite your neighbors over for barbecue. When they say, “This is really good barbecue!” laugh in their face, “April Fools you fucker! That’s not barbecue, that’s your cat (or dog)!” (Editor’s note: this gag will not work on Deng Xiao Peng)
- Drive around and find a really nice car in a parking lot, like a new BMW or a Porsche, and mack the hell out of it. Leave a note of apology on the windshield with your friend’s name, phone, license number, and insurance number. Or, you can simply leave the word “Sorry” in the note. They will be delighted when they see a note has been responsibly left on their car by the person who hit it, but you’ll be happy knowing what the note really says.
- Call your parents and say that you’ve been kidnapped by Libyan terrorists and that if they don’t buy you…uh, I mean your kidnapper, a new Ferrari, your dismembered body will be returned to them slowly in hundreds of tiny ziplock bags, except for your head, which will be feasted upon in a cannibalistic sacrificial ritual to Satan, reminding them to call you back with the answer. As soon as they take out a second mortgage and have borrowed a ridiculous sum of money from some guy named Guido, ruining their credit and their lives, inform them that you were just kidding, and add “April Fools!”
- Re-register your friends to vote in the Republican Party!
- Put Ben-Gay(tm) in someone’s Preparation-H(tm)! They’ll love it!
- Call the police threatening to blow up Wheeler Auditorium during a midterm so 800 people will be mercilessly exploded into tiny pieces. At the end of the call, be sure to give your name and address clearly. When the police knock down your door, enter your dorm/apartment with guns drawn, throw you painfully to the ground, handcuff and arrest you, and demand to know who you are working with, simply say “April Fools!”
- Finally, wake your roommate at 3:00 in the morning, only after binding and gagging him/her. Dress in all black, and then douse your roommate in pig’s blood while chanting the Battle Hymn of the Republic, backwards. Force him/her to sign over all worldly possessions, as well as his/her soul, to you, the supreme lord and master of all that exists. Throw all of your roommate’s books and food out of the window, and then proceed to knock him/her unconscious with a lead pipe. When your roommate awakens groggily from the early morning’s terror, laugh heartily and give your roommate a big “April Fools!”
