Top Ten Most Important Qualifications for Tenure

  1. Will assist colleagues in Big Game brawls
  2. Can handle a bullwhip
  3. Will pay for pizza during tenure hearing
  4. Can consistently bowl over 160
  5. Isn’t scared to speak out and agree with everyone else on any issue
  6. Won’t guzzle beer from faculty club keg
  7. Can do secret handshake
  8. Hasn’t written any comprehensible books recently
  9. Won’t have sex with students that deans are dating
  10. Can use meaningless latin phrases effortlessly