- Will assist colleagues in Big Game brawls
- Can handle a bullwhip
- Will pay for pizza during tenure hearing
- Can consistently bowl over 160
- Isn’t scared to speak out and agree with everyone else on any issue
- Won’t guzzle beer from faculty club keg
- Can do secret handshake
- Hasn’t written any comprehensible books recently
- Won’t have sex with students that deans are dating
- Can use meaningless latin phrases effortlessly
