Todd of April 2003,
This is Todd of April 2033, thirty years into the future! Don’t believe me? Note that the stamps commemorate the tenth anniversary of 2023, and that the Return Address states ‘The Future!’ Still skeptical? The final moments of ‘Swept Away’ feature Madonna’s heartfelt realization that she is not socially superior to her lowbrow companion. Only you and I know that, Todd. You are me and I am you, minus one leg.
As you might expect, your life has not gone according to ‘Todd’s Life Plan.’ Everyone who ever loved you, up to and including Jesus, has either died or redied in the past 30 years. Your Berkeley degree became worthless when the campus was implicated in the kidnapping of three-year-old twins in Encino, California. Your first marriage was a sham, a shamelessly promotional wedding to Safeway’s Low Low Prices for much-needed rent money. The kids hate you. The longest you ever held a job was three weeks, until the first Senior Citizen finally got word to the outside world.
In brief, Todd, we need to start over. So here’s some advice, from the future to the past, about how to do it right this time.
In 2004, on your 21st birthday, go to Vegas. Bet on the craps table, not the slots. The odds of beating the house are greatly improved. Don’t bet on sports, tho. Over the years, I’ve found it to be too risky to create any gains.
Buy an Inhaleo brand gas mask in August of 2007. Sell it in 2022, when that brand has become a classic, netting yourself a hefty gain.
Watch the skies carefully in 2011. But avoid looking directly at the sun, which can cause eye damage.
Transfer from Berkeley to CSU Northridge. After the death of the last of the Northridge family, the will bequeaths millions to undergraduates.
Don’t vote for Nader over Deenihan for President in 2032. Your vote will break the tie, and you shouldn’t waste it on Nader.
On January 1st of 2020, you will run into a former High School classmate working as a Bank Teller at B of A. Prepare yourself for the encounter, so your small talk doesn’t come off as startled and forced.
Marry for love until the tax changes in 2023.
The man who came down the chimney in 1990 was not Santa, but a convicted felon who only didn’t kill you because of your beautiful eyes. I suppose it’s too late to do anything about it, but FYI.
Good luck, Todd of the past. Presumably, having altered the future, I will now fade away like Future Biff Tannen in the Director’s Cut of Back to the Future II. If it means I’ll never again have to be called ‘The Man who Wants to Alter the Future,’ it’ll be worth it.
-2033 Todd
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