A press release from the Vatican announced Monday that cardinals researching in the field of theoretical deviance have hypothesized the existence of a “mouth-handjob,” a sexual act unlike any currently recognized by Vatican law.
“Imagine if you will a type of handjob performed, not with the hand, but with some other part of the human anatomy: to wit, the mouth,” stated Cardinal Ludwig of the Vatican’s Center for Sexual Studies. “As outlandish as it may seem to Catholic sensibilities, our rigorous contemplation of sexual activity has led us to believe such a thing may not only be possible, but currently practiced.”
If these findings are vetted by further experimentation, it will be the most revolutionary discovery by Vatican sex scholars since “hand-intercourse” was first theorized by Bishop Von Stropf in his seminal 1886 paper “Das Handkoitus: Eine Unglaublische Sexphenomenon.” Until more conclusive research has been conducted, the Church has warned its followers against trying to incorporate the act into normal sexual practice.
“We’re in uncharted territory now,” said Archbishop Anthony when asked for comment. “We are not yet sure if such an act is a sin and if so, how heinous it is. Until we are more certain, err on the side of mouth-handjob abstinence.”
Preliminary studies have suggested that an orthodox way to engage in mouth-handjobs might exist. Cardinal Ludwig postulates that the act may be performed piously by immediately spitting the semen directly into the vagina. However, this hypothesis has yet to be peer-reviewed.
