Most people think that being a male porn star is a glamorous job. That all day it’s just sex and making that one face. But it’s not. For one
thing, it’s hard to tell where work ends and where everyday life begins:
Cashier at Bookstore: Okay, that comes to forty-two dollars even.
Me: Can I pay by credit card?
Cashier: Sure, but I’ll need to see your ID.
Me: [Starts to takes off pants]
Cashier: [Shocked] What the hell are you doing?!
Me: But I thought that “ID” stands for Incredible GAA
Cashier: No. It doesn’t.
And clothes shopping is always an ordeal:
Me: I’d like thirty-eight pairs of tear-away track pants, please.
Clerk: Whoa, buddy! Are you GAA
Me: [Sighs] No, I’m not starting an AYSO team.
Clerk: …a male porn star?
Me: Look pal, you wanna see my ID or not?
And the worst part is, porno doesn’t even pay
that well! I’ve had to work tons of part-time jobs just to make the rent. Like when I got that job as a bartender:
Female Customer: Whiskey sour, extra sour.
Me: Coming right up. [Starts pouring drink]
Female Customer: Why is it taking so long?
Me: [Still pouring] Almost there!
Female Customer: Okay…
Me: [Still pouring] Just a little more!
Female Customer: What?
Me: Yes! That’s it! [Pulls bottle away from glass, coating her face in whiskey]
Female Customer: What the fuck?!
Me: Towel boy! Over here!
Or that time I had to deliver pizzas to a sorority house:
Me: [Rings doorbell]
Sorority Girl in Negligee: [Seductively] Hey there, pizza boy.
Me: Uh, yeah. That’ll be thirteen-fifty.
Sorority Girl: So tell me, what’s on that pizza?
Me: Aww c’mon, don’t make me say it. Can
I just have the money?
Sorority Girl: Not ’til you tell me what’s on that pizza.
Me: [Sighs] Extra sausage.
[Slap bass starts playing]
Me: Goddammit, Jerry, will you stop that?
Guy with Ponytail: Sorry.
After a career in pornography, no one takes you seriously. Like that time I tried out for the
touring cast of the British Royal Shakespeare Company:
Director: Well, Miles, I was very impressed with your portrayal of MacDuff. But…
Me: Was it overwrought?
Director: No, not at all. Best I’ve ever seen, in fact. It’s just that if you want to do mainstream work, you have to start…somewhere else.
Me: You mean, like at a dramatic GAA
Director: You have to blow those eight guys dressed in army camos.
[Kenneth Branagh starts playing slap bass]
