In a press conference this Thursday, UC Regent Robert Sullivan admitted to a rash of teary nights atop his satin sheets inside his retro spaceship house. The unprecedented raises in tuition have taken a heavy toll, the Regent said.
“It was wrong to take so much money from the little people,” Sullivan said. “I’ve tried to distract my sorrow by expanding my collection of gold bars covered in diamonds, but it’s just not working.”
Sullivan, along with the rest of the Board of Regents, was recently discovered to have an unconscionably high salary. Sullivan was reportedly taking home $787,637 plus benefits, as well as a secret salary worth twice his regular salary. He also received 20 vacation weeks a year for “super-yacht maintenance.”
“I needed those vacation days to escape my deep regret,” he said. “There is no better way to get rid of grief than a three-month vacation on your own private island. I highly recommend it.”
Sullivan began to feel remorse after imagining how the tuition raises would affect him if he were still a student. He speculated that he would no longer be able to maintain the upkeep for the wildlife exhibit he houses in the backyard of his Berkeley Hills mansion, his fleet of vintage B-52 bombers, or other small luxuries. Sullivan supposed his family might feel the pain as well.
“I would have to sell one of my football teams!” said Petunia Sullivan, one of Sullivan’s wives.
No matter how decadent students consider his actions, Sullivan asked that they take pity on him.
“I truly am sorry,” Sullivan said, as he blew his nose into a crisp thousand-dollar bill.
