Oski: I want to get one thing straight – I’m not gay. You assholes are always implying that I’m gay. I’ve had all the girls of the Pac-Ten, if you know what I mean.
HS: Moving right along …
Oski: I’ve had plenty of girls not in the Pac-Ten, too!
HS: That’s nice, but I really want to know …
Oski: Do you want to have sex with me?
HS: I’ll pretend you didn’t say that. Let me ask you, what changes have you noticed since Chanellor berdahl has taken over?
Oski: Well, he’s from Texas, and he has some fancy ideas about givin’ me a ten-gallon hat, makin’ me ride a bicycle and fire a six-shooter. That part was okay with me though.
HS: Why is that?
Oski: I thought I would be able to shoot the mic-man.
HS: I see. What happened to that proposal>
Oski: I mauled berdahl and that was the end of it.
HS: Really?! I didn’t read about that in the Daily Cal!
Oski: That’s because it’s real news.
HS: I must tell you, Oski, I heard some students complain that your game-time performances are less than exciting. Really do you do anything besides pace?
Oski: Hey, I’m a bear. What do you want from me? You’re lucky I don’t just scratch my ass and maul people.
HS: Well said. Any thoughts on the past season? Any games in particular stand out in your mind?
Oski: The USC game. What was up with those cheerleading guys? I mean, if you want to call someone gay, there you go. Every ten minutes they were doing their T-shaped homo-erotic pushups! Mmmmmm. Puuush uuuups.
HS: Wipe off that drool! What do you think of Standford?
Oski: The Tree put you up to this, didn’t it? That damn scraggly, shaggy headed skinny ass Tree-whore! One night of passion, and does it ever call?
HS: You had an affair with the Standford tree?
Oski: Big Game, 1983. All game long, my ass is itching. I mean, it’s killing me. I see the Tree across the field,and it’s like kismet. One night of scratching bliss. I swear, that’s all, and it hasn’t called sine. Sure, people will call me a traitor, but I’m a bear, I had an itchy ass, and I saw a tree. Is that so wrong?
HS: Any Big Game predictions?
Oski: We’re going to lose. Big. But as long as the students band together with frightening mod mentality and whup the hell out of that skinny, scraggly ass, then I’ll go home full of pride.
HS: you mean the Tree?
Oski: The Tree … Chelsea … Whoever.
