Imagine, if you can, a vast mountain of pudding running after you when suddenly your shoelaces turn into a loud rap musician who can’t find anything to rhyme with “syphilis” and who keeps trying to return your pants to the store even though you lost the receipt two weeks ago when the hyenas borrowed your desk to use in their daring but very poorly planned bank robbery. This is the best way I can think of to describe how The Heuristic Squelch was born and evolved, even though I hate these kinds of cliches. As a comedy paper. The Heuristic Squelch prints humor, silliness, satire, parody, and other manifestations of creativity or intelligence. As students at UCB, we can take advantage of the incredible degree of comic absurdity surrounding us for this kind of insanity.
How many times have you written something for The Heuristic Squelch– something very funny, but also based, as all comedy is, on just a grain of truth, but that’s why it’s so funny, I guess, but maybe not, who knows–only to find that The Heuristic Squelch didn’t exist? You won’t encounter that problem anymore. We’re proud to say that we exist now, and you won’t find us not existing ever again. “But,” you may argue, “lots of things exist these days. What makes you so different?” That’s a good question, but you have a hell of a lot of nerve for asking it. This is just the damn editorial, O.K? Most people have the decency to keep those kinds of questions to the letters page. Stop trying impress everyone. You really don’t want to piss me off because I’m an editor and I have absolute power.
By the way, I hope that you’re enjoying the Spring semester. As you all know, this is the special “Practice Semester” that happens once every seven years and doesn’t go on your transcript or affect your GPA. You should have gotten your full refund registration fees by now, but you may have to go to 120 Sproul and forcefully demand it. Do this immediately. Use heavy artillery necessary. These practice semesters are always free so don’t let them rip you of. Also, take any books you want from the bookstore at absolutely no cost, which approximately their worth anyway. The Heuristic Squelch also invites you to move into any building on campus that you like at a very reasonable rent, which you must pay directly to us. The Campanile, of course, ours, and those bells mean that deadlines a coming up. We encourage all of you semi-literate people to submit to The Heuristic Squelch, especially since this is the only way to get into a decent graduate school or ever find a job after graduation. The Heuristic Squelch does not discriminate against people who take things very seriously without realizing that they are the funniest people around. So join the paper. We’ll help you kick nasty habits like studying and going to class, and we may just be the parachute you need as you’re plummeting down from the cliff of sanity headlong toward Berkeley.
D.s.
