10:42 AM: Morning taping of Maury Povich Show. Yelled at 13-year-old hussy
until she tearfully promised to change her ways. Spent further 20 minutes yelling at her tears.
12:04 PM: Lunch break from taping. … Read More
STUDENTS ISSUED OBEDIENT HELPER MONKEYS
by Spencer Gilbert
In a thinly veiled attempt to divert funds from Berkeley’s unwanted stepchild, the Gender Studies Department, every currently enrolled student has been issued a live “helper monkey” to assist with … Read More
Thanks to an extreme statistical improbability and several lucrative cross-licensing agreements,
twelve superheroes were called to serve as jurors in the murder case of State of New York vs. Lorenthal Smith.
Jury Selection
Judge: Okay, you’re now officially… Read More
Despite repeated warnings from the East and West Coasts, middle America repeatedly grabbed a piping-hot pot of boiling water on the kitchen stove last Thursday.
“Ouch…sizzle…ahhh!” said Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, Wyoming, and… Read More
Oh dear reader, I am about to impart to you another woeful tale – indeed, a tale so full of woe that it would take four hundred two-time lottery-winning puppies made entirely of lucky nickels and therapy just to … Read More
Have you ever wondered what happens when you take a fat kid’s peach cobbler? He sits on you. That’s right, he sits on you as he eats the rest of his peach cobbler, wishing it was a la mode.… Read More
Energy
Imagine you’re making popcorn. Each kernel is like a molecule. The microwave or the stovetop or the burning trashcan you use to pop the corn is adding energy to the molecules, which makes them dance and play and bounce … Read More
Sometimes I forget why I love America. Sometimes I forget all that fancy freedom talk and democracy speak and just need to get to the roots of why I’m so darn proud of living here.
In my musings, I’ve … Read More
In honor of Super Bowl XXXIX, we recap some of the great moments in Super Bowl history as best we can remember.
1966–The Just-OK Bowl is deemed uninspired and boring when the Scranton Haymakers beat the A-1 Hardware Wildcats… Read More
Dear person whose first name is an initial,
Who the fuck are you kidding? No one here believes that when you were born your parents decided to give you an initial for a first name. What, they … Read More
