Focus Groups Through the Ages
Europe – 25,000 B.C.
Thog: Rock good?
Ug: Ug like rock.
Thog: [writing] Get…more…rock.
Ug: UG LIKE ROCK! UG KEEP ROCK!
Thog: No. Rock just prototype.
Ug: Ug get parking validated?
Thog: No.
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Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch Surprisingly Mundane
Investigators recently obtained a warrant to search Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch in connection with his upcoming child molestation trial. But the investigators were in for a big letdown.
“When I was first put on the task force I … Read More
Everything in Berkeley Is Uphill
A recent study commissioned by the Office of Student Life has concluded that everything on the Berkeley campus is uphill. “No matter where a student begins, his journey to any campus building will inevitably lead him up a steep incline,” … Read More
DVD Commentary for the Worst Movie Ever Made
(1)
Screenwriter: You know, people sometimes ask why there were so many jokes about September 11th in the movie. And I always tell them the same thing: “Fine, you take them out. Then Jamie Kennedy would only have been able… Read More
We’re Pro-Life!
Let’s face it: death is really trendy right now. With US Weekly regulars like The Pope and 3000 Indonesians dying, kids are all rushing out to the malls to have their feeding tubes removed. But not so fast! Much … Read More
Prison Educational System Beacon of Affirmative Action
According to a recent survey, the California Penal System’s reeducation program has the largest minority enrollment across the nation. “We attribute our success to an extensive outreach program,” commented Chino Correctional Facility warden John Sanders. “It’s tough … Read More
Babies Most at Risk for Depression, Study Says
A recent study on depression demographics by UC Berkeley professor C. H. Diggs has shown conclusively that those aged 0 to 18 months make up the largest segment of America’s depressed.
“It’s rather surprising,” said Diggs, “but it looks … Read More
U.S. Reveals New Plans for Iraqi Unification
Bombs, grenades, elections, and more bombs have proven unsuccessful means for Iraqi unification, so the U.S. will now require all Iraqi citizens to arm themselves with hot pink wrist bracelets. The bracelets, similar to the … Read More
Household Hints for Daily Home Use
Problem: Broken Light Bulb
Hint: Get a potato from the kitchen. Cut it in half. Dice the halves. Get three more potatoes and do the same thing. Cook a chopped medium onion and two tablespoons of butter in … Read More
Bullshit
Firemen Are Pussies
I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that no job I will ever have will provide me with the opportunity to be a hero. It seems a little unfair, then, that just by virtue of being employed in … Read More
