From this day forward let there be a student publication whose humorous qualities be that of an intentional manner. And let this publication and the all powerful vestiges of divine grace here on Earth who compose its staff be known together as The Heuristic Squelch. This great and noble endeavor shall also be known by the names “The Black Hand”, “The Pelican”, and, of course, “The Special Trained Task Force Dedicated to Defend Freedom from the Ruthless Terrorist Organization Known as COBRA”.
Combining a comedic wit with the powerful tools of incessant, senseless, repetitive, and often unending synonymous adjectives, The Heuristic Squelch shall strive to bring smiles and jubilation to all campus students and wildlife.
Only currently (or formerly) registered U.C. Berkeley students, faculty, and staff who express explicit interest in contributing to the delinquency of The Heuristic Squelch shall be considered eligible for membership in our fine clan.
All Squelch editors and officials shall be selected by consensus of current editors during conversations behind the subject’s back. In the event that a consensus cannot be reached, the Editor in Chief becomes Rainbow Brite, but instead of making things more gay, (s)he makes them editors. During this selective process, there must not be any discrimination on the basis of race, religion, color, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, age, disability, or former affiliation with The Daily Californian.
Members of The Heuristic Squelch will not at any time engage in hazing as defined by the California Administrative Code.
The Editor in Chief position exists and must be filled at all times. In the event that the Editor in Chief become incapacitated or is unable to fulfill his/her position the position will pass to the senior existing editorial staff member.
Editorial staff positions shall be created and terminated with extreme prejudice at the Editor in Chief’s discretion. They may be:
- Creative Editor: Selects and edits submissions and other content. Also acts as secretary at meetings.
- Business Manager(s): Manages finances and advertising. Also, the business manager (or one of the business managers, if several exist, to be chosen by the Editor-in-Chief) is to be the primary ASUC agent for the Heuristic Squelch.
- Publicity Coordinator(s): Manages comedy shows, Squelch campus events, and flyering.
- Design Editor: In charge of laying out magazine.
- Graphics Editor: Coordinating and executing graphics.
They shall exercise absolute control over the body of the Squelch staff, including closest relatives, spouses, and pets.
No “common” elections shall be held, with all final organizational decisions reserved by the current editorial board.
Impeachment of Squelch editorial board members is forbidden since their omnipotent rule is bestowed unto them by the divine right of kings. False resignations will be forced upon editors in the event that they write a fraudulent letter to the Daily Cal saying they will resign.
Open meetings shall occur once a week with agendas set by the very naive and dishonorable editorial board.
There shall be no cancellation of a Heuristic Squelch meeting unless meeting attendance falls under 0.023% of the total Heuristic Squelch staff.
In the event of an earthquake, flood, or invasion by a Communist country, an emergency meeting shall be called by method of the Squelch Signal located high atop Evans Hall.
Amendments to this Constitution may be proposed by Squelch staff members, and implemented only with full consensus of the Editorial board.
All amendments, changes, or deletions must be filed with the Office of Student Life, 102 Sproul Hall, and the ASUC Office of Student Affairs within one week of adoption.
This Organization is to be dissolved in 1 M hydrochloric acid.
By unanimous consent of The Heuristic Squelch Editorial Staff.
In the case of such an unlikely event, all unspent ASUC funds shall remain property of the ASUC and all privately obtained funds shall be donated to our favorite charitable cause, fire.
This Constitution signed with the utmost absurdity on this, the year of our Lord, September 10th, 1997.