Blood rained from the sky Monday morning in Chapman, MI, as a thousand-tentacled affront to nature ripped through an inter-dimensional portal in local resident Brittany Goldman’s vagina.
“At first I thought I was just getting my period early,” said Goldman, a secretary at Chapman Hometown Realty. “The cramps, the breakouts, the constant urge to devour human flesh– y’know, period stuff. But when I heard the screams of unborn children coming out from my lady-parts, I started to worry I might be pregnant.”
The ocean of clotted blood that soon spilled from between her thighs brought with it Ag-Soth’n, a mind-devouring god of destruction with more mouths than any human mind can comprehend. Local businesses took a hit, as much of the workforce was busy vomiting up piles of festering maggots and clawing the flesh from their faces with their own bleeding fingers.
Upon seeing a co-worker’s intestinal tract spewing from the orifices of his face, one local citizen quipped that it “looks like someone had a case of the Mondays,” before releasing a throat rupturing scream and gouging her eyes out of their very sockets.
“When I noticed the sun turning black I was worried we were in for a bit of nasty weather,” said Chapman resident Robert King, “but when I saw the Elder One unfurl its bile-soaked wings and disappear into a jagged hole in the sky I knew we were in for something quite a bit different. Ag chlon ex’ptheth, ziggach op pth’ahnth. THE AWAKENING IS COME.”
“I’m just glad I wasn’t pregnant,” Goldman said, blood and pus oozing from her every pore._ “U’gan fyra durgoth quor._ I really couldn’t handle a kid right now. Not with the economy the way it is. Grshn’tack etena echfrum.”
Goldman’s head then changed into a mass of writhing tongues.
