Stacy: Hi guys, I’m Stacy.
Richard Reid: Hi Stacy, I’m Richard, but my close friends call me Rick.
Stacy: [Giggles] So can I call you Rick?
Reid: Well, actually [long pause], my future lovers call me [longer pause] Rico, so you–
Stacy: Okay, Rick.
John Walker: Call me John. John Walker.
Stacy: Do you have a nickname or anything?
Walker: Ghazawan Al-Sudairy.
Stacy: Excuse me?
Walker: Just call me GZA a.k.a. The Genius a.k.a. Justice a.k.a. Maximillion.
Stacy: Okay, COOL! That’s super COOL! Cool, cool, COOL!
Zacarias Moussaoui: IF YOU WISH TO SURVIVE THE COMING APOCALYPSE, YOU WILL REMEMBER MY NAME, ZACARIAS MOUSSAOUI, SCOURGE OF THE FRIENDLY SKIES… I brought you these flowers. They are quite stunning, but nothing, not even this elegant assembly of stems, leaves, and petals compares to the timeless beauty that radiates from the very core of your …NO INFIDEL SHALL BE SPARED!!!
Stacy: [Makes a forced effort to smile, nervously turns towards fourth guy] So, what’s your story?
Charles Stevens: : Hi, Stacy. The name’s Chuck. And the game’s danger. And Nolan’s a Ranger. Rhyming, [long pause] baby. Always bet on Chuck!
[At Blimpie Subs]
Employee: Hi, welcome! Thanks for choosing to include Blimpie on your dating excursion. Choose Blimpie for the freshest of everything. Choose Blimpie for the best cuts in town, for hand-rolled wraps. Choose Blimpie for a good, honest sandwich. So you guys ready?
Stacy: Yeah! Go Team Blimpie! Let’s see just what you guys can do with your hands! Let’s make some sandwiches!
[15 minutes later…]
Stacy: What’s up with your sandwich, Rick?
Reid: Well, that there’s a little boy and this here will be a puppy licking his face. Every little boy dreams of the day he finds a puppy in his house. Every day I return to an empty home, I have to remind myself that I’m not that little boy now nor was I ever.
Stacy: Awww, that’s really sweet. But where’s the meat and the bread and the veggies and stuff and why is the boy’s shoe burning?
Stevens: : Baby, [pause] that ain’t no sandwich puppy, that’s dynamite! Hit the floor [long pause] baby!
[1 bombscare later.]
Stacy: [giggles] Hey John, stop try-[giggles]-ing to rub mustard on my [giggles and squirms] face!
Walker: [laughs] I’m just playing around, Stacy.
Stacy: Well, all that playing around is ruining my makeup, you traitorous clod.
Walker: _[tear slides down cheek]__[Shortly after they sit down to eat the sandwiches they’ve prepared.]_
**Stacy:** Well, it was a really hard decision but I think I’m going to elimidate John. John, you’re a really sweet boy, but that’s just it: You’re a boy. A boy who looks like he can’t satisfy my needs. My SEX-u-al needs.
Stevens: : [screams] YO, WALKER, YOU GOT DEEEEENIED! [whispers] …Counsel. [screams:] BLEEE-OTCH! BIZ-NATCHIE-ROZ-ERANG to the JIG HOUZ!
[Waiting in line at the Malibu Grand Prix race track.]
Stacy: So what do you guys do for fun?
Stevens: : Well, I’m an Ad Exec at Green Dot Online. We are proactively leveraging a multi-tiered paradigm shift in the infrastructure behind online marketing and advertising interfaces. I guess it goes without saying that my job is my fun. But it’s so fun, I guess I said so anyway.
Stacy: Um…so do you think outside the box?
Stevens: : Indeed I do [long pause] baby.
Stacy: [Turns to Reid and Moussaoui] And you guys…what do you do for fun?
Reid: Hey, that was my answer.
[After 10 minutes, go-karting is cut short by Richard “Rico” Reid, when he crashes into the tires surrounding a banked curve. His go-kart bursts into flames and subsequently explodes, tossing him high into the air and severing his legs. The size of the explosion cannot be accounted for by the gasoline in the go-kart alone. Afterwards he is placed in a go-kart with a hand operated throttle so he can maneuver without use of his legs.]
Stacy: Well, this is a really a tough decision, but I’m gonna have to dismiss Rick, with him being dead and all.
Reid: I’m not dead. I’m down here, sitting in this hand operated go-kart.
Stevens: : If you can’t hang with the rest, Rico, then get off the curtain rod! _[laughs]__[Silence]_
**Stevens:** : _[Elbows Reid playfully]_ Eh?
**Stevens:** : Now I’m the one who is going to get elimidated, aren’t I?
Stacy: Did you just say intimidated?
Stevens: : No, I said elimidated.
Stevens: : No, e-lim-i-DDDa-ted.
Stevens: : It doesn’t matter.
Stacy: Well, I guess I want to elimi–
Moussaoui: Your country is a slight against Allah, and you are a further scar upon this very wound.
Stacy: I’m gonna have to say goodbye to Charles.
Stevens: : The name’s Chuck. And you’re a soulless bitch. Soulless. Bitch. You + Soul + 2 – Soul = You. You’re such a bitch you broke mathematics.
[They go clubbing.]
Stacy: I don’t know. I think this is going to be a really hard decision. You’re both so sexy and wild. Too bad I can only have sex with one of you, or else I’d be a slut on national television.
Moussaoui: Being considered a slut is of little consequence, when you’ll spend the rest of eternity burning in hell.
Stacy: But what if my parents see me on television? That would totally suck!
Reid: [From go-kart] She’s got a point.
Moussaoui: [Shamefully shakes head again]
Stacy: Let’s dance!
Reid: I told you, I cannot, as I am in this go-cart.
_[Stacy grinds her crotch against go-kart steering wheel.]__[Later, after Stacy elimidates Reid.]_
**Moussaoui:** I do not understand why you picked me.
Stacy: When you get angry at me for being an infidel, your forehead wrinkles, and it makes me feel like you can provide for me until we grow old and die.
Moussaoui: You do not devote your life to my God, how could I possibly reconcile that?
Stacy: Zack, do you always keep your head silky smooth?
Moussaoui: My name is Zacarias.
Stacy: I think unintentional baldness is sexy. Grrr. Can I rub your scalp?
Moussaoui: Please don’t touch me.
Stacy: Oh, I’m going to lick it. You bad boy.
[Stacy drunkenly licks Moussaoui as he scowls and stares at Reid.]