Presidential Election Called on Account of Rain
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In a move that disappointed hundreds of Major League Politics fans, the Bush administration announced this week that the 2008 election will be canceled due to the fierce downpour that gripped Washington, D.C. last Thursday.

“It’s too bad,” said President Bush (Right Field, .233). “It looked like a beautiful year, and both teams were raring to go. But since the weather turned against us, I have no choice but to remain president until the next election. Maybe we can play two in 2012, if it’s nice out.”

Vice President Cheney (Far Right Field, .666) echoed the President’s sentiments, saying “Sure, it’ll be tough continuing to run the country as my personal fiefdom for four more years, but the field’s just so damn muddy. I doubt we could even get one fund-raiser in without slipping.”

Cheney then paused to spit his chewing tobacco into the eye of a nearby child. “See you in November, chumps... er, citizens. Nah, chumps.”

McCain and Obama, Captains of the Republicans and Republicans, dejectedly accepted the news and packed their equipment into their team buses. Only batboy Ron Paul (5th Base, .0;f) remained, and kept talking about gold and its possible placement within “them hills.”

Top Ten Signs You Might Have Pledged a Vampire Fraternity
  1. Bloody Marys are served suspiciously warm.
  2. Brothers avoid daylight whether or not last night was a kegger.
  3. All the brothers work out, but none have mirrors in their rooms.
  4. You're the only house that never shows up to a party uninvited.
  5. Pledge scavenger hunt just involves robbing Bay Area blood banks.
  6. Guys in coffins are sleeping, not masturbating.
  7. The house has a firm rule about never letting Wesley Snipes inside.
  8. Hell Week actually takes place in Hell.
  9. Big theme party is always "Immortal Bros and Neck-Bitten Hoes."
  10. Guys seemed nervous when you suggested "Steak Night."
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